How to Cope India’s Semi-Final Loss

Virat Kohli

So India lost to New Zealand in semi-final today. The heartbreak is real. I switched off my TV just after Rishabh Pant was caught out after his patience fizzled out. Though I was not seeing the live broadcast after that, I was finding hard to keep myself away from peeking into Cricbuzz commentary. The moment Dhoni was run-out, which rarely happens, the hope of was all gone for India. We lost. We lost after such a fine run. We lost after we were so close to the cup. The Aussies were an average team this year and Sri Lanka one of the worst, it was too easy for us. Still, we lost to Kiwis. Unbelievable but true. Kameena Kane. Drop him from IPL next year. So if you are like me feeling restless, nauseated and lost after India’s defeat, here are some of the ways you can cope with the sadness.

Booze – Well, the first and obvious choice for heartbroken is the good old alcohol. Dash to the local liquor store to get a hold on a six-pack of the favorite Indian beer, Kingfisher. There are 75 per cent chances that its stocks would have finished. But if you are living in Mayur Vihar Phase 1, make that 100 per cent. If not the King then you can at least have some RS with your buddies, which have nothing royal about it but at least it serves the budget and desperation of Indian middle-class men. However, if you are alone in this tragic time, you can break your piggy-bank and get yourself a Signature. It tastes great…simply great.

Get Stoned – Call you hilly friends from Malana, Manali or Doon for some smoky favors. Don’t listen to their crap like, “Nahi hai bhai”, “Khatm ho gaya”, “Maine toh kabka chhod di”. This is a time of desperation, tell them you need it and you will not entertain no for answer.

Binge eating – Just go binge eating on Masala Chap, Malai Chap, Paneer Chap, Momos, Chowmein, Pani Puri, Bhale Papadi, Chicken Lollypop, Spring rolls, Kachauri, Samosa and on on. Don’t allow your mind and body anytime or room to recollect bad memories of today’s match. Just clog any chance of thought by tons of bad fatty fried foods.

Call your mom – Yes you read it right. Call your mom and she will make sure, you will be occupied for the next two hours. But unlike other days, instead of pretending to listen to her, actually listen to her today. Talk her about – childhood days, her cooking, your increasing weight, the office politics, the immoral mausi ki ladki, your friend’s brother’s sister’s divorce and don’t forget to mention her about the kameeni chachi and she will go on till millions of years.

Watch Friends videos – YouTube is filled with small-short videos from Friends. Just type Friends on YouTube search bar and you are done for the night. Make sure you watch Joey’s Quiz video.

Get Laid – For those lucky friends who are in live-in relationships or who are recently married but not married more than two years, you lucky bastards. Get some action! For those who are married for more than two years like me, well you are as good as single, so you should just single-handedly help yourself!

Adopt football, basketball or tennis – For the majority of Indians who don’t know much about sports except cricket, like me, it’s time you should adopt football, basketball, tennis or any other sport except kabaddi. Since we are shitty in most of the sports except kabaddi and cricket, India won’t go to the final stages of these sports, so no heartbreak. I am choosing tennis, team Rafa!!!

Find some solace with your Dream11 winnings – If you have played and won something, even a Rupee on Dream11 today, then you should be content that at least your team won somewhere. However, if you have lost there too, it’s time you should follow all the above steps more seriously.

Find someone to blame – Well here is the favorite time-pass of Indians. We always find someone to blame for our problems. So who should be it for us today? Is it the trio of our top-three performing batsmen who coincidently scored just three runs today? Is it rain that should have done its job properly and washed out the match completely? Is it Kohli’s bad luck that he can win matches but not cups? Is it runs we missed or catches they took? Oh, I forgot, this list was for coping the loss not getting back into that zone. Strike this out and leave it for cricket analysts, our TV channels, internet trolls to discuss and do postmortem or vivisection on it.

Waiting for Sacred Games 2 – Yes Gaitonde bhai is coming back but it is still almost 35 days away! Since the World Cup is officially and emotionally finished for us, Sacred Games can only bring some satisfaction to our hearts. Hotstar made sure that I see the trailer at least million times so I am desperately waiting for it and yes for some steamy scenes. Count yourself phony if you are there for the story only…hihihihi

Get Sleep – Finally just switch off your lights, your mobile, your doors, your windows, your eyes…and cut yourself from the world. You should wake only after a week, till the dust settles on your house, TV channel debates and most of all your sad WC 2019 semi-final memories.

Bonus – If you can write, just compose a list of shitty ways that might but won’t let you forgot the pain but at least you can let the world know that you feel lost but you still believe in your team. Tomorrow is another day and Men in Blue would be back. T20 WC 2020, we are coming…

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